Monday, March 19, 2012
The Baby and Me
I'm a little over 19 weeks pregnant and I found out today that I am having a little girl. I really thought I was having a boy because Jason is a boy and he was first and the man decides the gender so my highly scientific theory was that we too would have a boy first. Even though I was wrong, I was not disappointed. As long as this little one is healthy, we can't really go wrong either way.
I think about this little thing all the time. I feel her moving around now, so that just makes it all the more real. I place my hand on my belly and wonder what is going on in there. I smile to myself a lot. I'll be sitting at work just working away and all of a sudden there is movement in my belly. This happens during meetings, during church, while watching TV, while having conversations, while lying in bed. It's like a little secret between me and the little one.
"Hi Little One."
That's how it usually goes. In my head, of course.
When I'm singing along to the radio in the car I wonder if the baby knows it is me and if she likes the song. Sometimes I turn the volume down so it won't hurt tiny ears. When Jason places his hand on my belly I tell him he should say something, just in case. My "What to Expect" book says she can hear us now. I kind of want to tell her where we are going and what we are doing. I know we are connected, and even though she can't hear or know my thoughts, I send them to her anyway.
While running, I tell her about our future stroller rides. I point out the park in my neighborhood as I pass and tell her the whale seesaw looks really fun. When I eat celery and peanut butter, I wonder if she likes the celery or if she's really just using it to get to the peanut butter like I am. When I bend over to tie my shoes or pick up laundry, I wonder if she is squooshed. When I sneeze or cough, I wonder if I just woke her up.
I wonder who she will be and who she will look like. Will she have curly hair? Will she have brown eyes like mine or blue eyes like Jason's? Will she want to be a runner? I hope so and I look forward to the day when she flies by me at lightning speed. If not, that's okay too. As long as she discovers something she loves to do and does that, it will be enough.
I can't wait to hold her. I can't wait to sing to her. I can't wait to tell her stories and show her all the sights and sounds and smells and colors and tastes that make this world such an amazing place. I can't wait to tell her about her amazing Creator, and my most fervent prayer is that she will know and love Him. This very hope and prayer has changed my own life quite a bit and I wonder if that is hypocritical or circumstantial or if it is this kind of life change that makes us lean on God all the more. I dare not go on this journey alone and my prayer is that I always stay focused on my main role as this little girl's Mom, which is to teach her about Jesus Christ and in everything I do point to Him. What an important job! I feel so honored and so blessed to be entrusted with it!
I'm trying to prepare myself to be a good mom. I'm trying to be now the woman I want this little girl to see. I watch other moms. I think about my own mom and I think about my sister who is a mom and I take note. Both were and are top notch, so I have some awesome role models. Jason has a good set of parents too, so we are following in some great footsteps where parenting is concerned (lucky little girl with awesome grandparents).
How I'm supposed to focus on work or anything other than this little girl, I have no idea. To say my head is in the clouds is an understatement. And with the warmer weather and spring on the horizon... it is like the world around me matches my own frame of mind. Birdsong greets me every morning, I see gorgeous flowers blooming on every run, the air is fresh and green, the sun is warm, and the breeze is refreshing. It seems like I'm not the only one excited about this little girl. Creation seems to be celebrating too.