I'm floundering a little. It feels so hypocritical to write about how badly I want something and how I'm going after it, only to fizzle out after a month of training/base building. July has kind of been all over the place with my mileage. Last week was a bust. I took 2 days off, and with no long runs, there is no way to make a 42 mile quota on 2 days off. I will say on the days I did run, my legs were a little fresher and stronger, and I had a fantastic hilly 8 miler (with 14 bunny sightings), but I'm still feeling a bit discouraged.
We've entered the teething phase of baby-hood and there is nothing I can do but snuggle my little girl and be patient with her through it. Really, she's doing quite well, she's just a little more fussy and irritable than usual and from time to time we have a bad night. But overall she is still my funny, playful, happy girl only now she's got a snaggly grin with one tooth out and one making its way.
Watching Eloise grow and change brings me joy every day. She's a great baby and I am so blessed to have her. So I feel really bad when I'm down and disappointed in my running when I've got Eloise and Jason and this wonderful life. Talk about being ungrateful. What bothers me is that I'm not seeing any improvement. None! Most runs are difficult and slow. My legs feel heavy and a lot like jello most of the time. Surely it can't be over-training with 42 miles a week - mostly 6 miles a day. Can it? Burnout already? Jason says it is the hot, humid summer and it is always like this for both of us. We slow down, we get through it, we focus on holding on until the temps improve. Part of me knows this and part of me says I should be able to make it otherwise. I should be able to tough it out. I should be improving anyway.
And part of me says, "GET OVER IT!" It's just running after all, and as I always tell Jason, it is supposed to make life better, it is supposed to take stress away, not add to it. I guess it is time to listen to what I know, not what I feel.
In other, happier news, Eloise is approaching her first birthday and I am so excited! I can't believe it is already here, and I'm planning a farm themed birthday party. I have become the mother I've made fun of in my head - planning a big shindig for a baby who won't remember. However, now that I'm a mom I see that it is not only for her, but for her parents and family too. It is a celebration of Eloise, not just for her. I have had so much fun in the planning and getting ready for it. And I have no idea how we planned birthday parties before Pinterest.
I'm also getting ready to teach a class at UAH! I'll be the Walk/Jog/Run instructor this fall and I am so pumped! I've got my syllabus finished and now I must work on the content. It may make our schedule a little crazy but I think it is worth it! I love the Health and Physical Ed department at UAH and I am so thrilled to be a part of it! Things are also going wonderfully with my clients. They are reaching goals, training for new distances, running PR races... it is so exciting to see! Even if it isn't me, it is an honor to help others get there!
So really, I need to step back, take a deep breath and keep putting one foot in front of the other. While my heart and body can't feel it yet, my mind knows what I'm building and what the results will eventually be. I need to let go of the constant striving and embrace the joy around me - both in my life and with my running. One step at a time, mile by mile, I will get there.