I'm 22 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I'm already impatient with this whole pregnancy thing. Which is horrible and ungrateful and I'm working on changing my attitude from one of complaining to one of gratefulness and joy. Is it all just hormones? I have no idea how much they play into this. Supposedly a lot, but I don't like using hormones as an excuse for bad behavior or bad thinking.
I'm tired of being tired. I wish I could stop fixating on it and just be. I'm working on that too. I have no idea if I'm bigger or smaller or just the same as my last pregnancy, I'm not sure how my exercise and running is stacking up, and I'm not sure why I have to fixate on that either. I am slowly (but hopefully surely) letting go of mileage goals and turning them into time goals. I'm trying to focus on time spent exercising instead of reaching a certain amount of miles and being content with what I get. That's hard when my workouts have always been mileage driven. Watching my weekly totals dwindle (even for a really good reason) is not always easy.
I don't like gaining weight. I wish I could do it all gracefully, but I hate it. Friends and family tell me I'm small and cute, but it is so hard to hear what they say and believe it. When I look in the mirror I do NOT see small and cute. I see a tired old chubby lady. An ungrateful one, at that (which certainly doesn't add beauty to the current situation).
So. Deep breath. I'm changing my mind about all of this. Starting now. Remember that song by Sister Hazel, "If you wanna be somebody else, change your mind. oooooo yeeeeaaaah..." That's what I'm doing and I know I can count on my amazing God to help me. He has given me so much and I don't want to be a sour old pregnant lady. I want to be a joyful old pregnant lady who looks forward to another precious little one. And I do. When I start to really think about what I'm getting out of all of this, it really is quite amazing and quite worth it. And when I take my eyes off myself and look around, I see women wanting to be pregnant who can't. I see women having much harder pregnancies than I can imagine. And I am reminded to be grateful to be healthy and happy and having another little one to add to our family.
I've started another 1000 Gifts list to help me focus on my blessings. I want spend more time in prayer about the things that are bothering me than whining about them to Jason or my mom and sister. They are great listeners and supporters, but lack the power to help the situation like God can. I saw something on Facebook the other day that read, "Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" and I thought, "Nope. Not at all."
Other than the usual pregnancy fun, I'm doing great. And Eloise is so much fun and such a hoot. I love being her mama. There are, of course, hard parenting days where I wonder if I'm doing any good at all, but then I see the little proofs that a difference is being made. And it is quite wonderful. As is pregnancy if I look for it.