Discussing Death

The other morning I awoke next to the small, beautiful human who is my daughter. She'd had a high fever for a few days, so I spent those nights on the trundle bed in her room. That morning it seemed like our eyes opened at the same moment, and we smiled at each other as she inched over to my bed and burrowed under the covers. After a few minutes, she sat up and said, “I love you, Mama,” and I answered back, “I love you, Baby.” And then she said, “So you won't die?”

While somewhat surprising first thing in the morning, this wasn't the first time she'd asked me about death. She'd mentioned it to Jason and I once or twice recently, and we'd said something light and dismissive, like no we weren't going to die, and she didn't need to worry about that right now.

But that had not satisfied her, so in the stillness of the morning when she had my full attention, she asked again.

“I am going to die,” I said. “But not anytime soon.” Of course, I had no way of knowing that, but I continued anyway. “I probably won't die until I am very old. Older than Grandpod.” (Sorry, Dad). Even as I was speaking, I knew this wasn't a promise I could make. I wanted to be honest with her, but I wanted my answer to be appropriate for a 5 year old. I wanted to instill hope and peace, not fear and worry over a concept she was just beginning to grasp...if it's possible to ever fully grasp death.

And then my answer became obvious and clear. A gift from the Holy Spirit, quite possibly, as He whispered in my ear the truth that embodied hope and peace. I allowed the words to flow forth, sweet to my own heart as I poured them into hers.

“You know, it will be ok when I do die,” I said, “because I'm going to a wonderful place. A place even better than where we are now, if you can believe it.” She was listening intently, so I continued. “I'm going to Heaven, which is where God is. It's where all the people who love Him go.”

“God is there?” She asked.

“Yes.”

“Will I be able to see him?”

“Yes.”

“Will, I be able to talk?”

I smiled. “Yes, you'll be able to talk.”

We talked about how beautiful Heaven would be and who we would see there. I told her about those I loved, like my grandparents, who I wanted to see when I got there. While our imaginations took liberties outside of what I've read in the Bible about Heaven, I'm pretty sure God’s imagination has greatly outdone mine.

I never would have imagined discussing death with a 5 year old to be a pleasant conversation, but it sure turned out to be. Spending those few quiet moments with my girl, talking about Heaven...well, it felt like I'd experienced a small piece of it that morning.