I'm 32 weeks pregnant today, and my first experience with pregnancy has been a good one so far. I feel bad if I even think whiny or negative thoughts because I have been immensely blessed, and it is very important to me not to take that for granted.
But today, for a few moments, I was a little wistful. I was driving home from VBS and a bit of shopping with my mom, and I drove on a road I used to run with my morning running crew. It is a tough, hilly road and there was a time when I couldn't run the whole thing. I eventually got to the point where I could and then I got to the point where I could run it quickly in the middle of a route with no trouble at all, as if it were just another piece of flat road. That always felt so good. During my drive home I also had a view of the water tower that sits at the top of what we like to call "the dragon." That hill is even meaner than the road mentioned above and as I looked up at it I sighed just a little.
It feels ungrateful to say it, but I really look forward to when I can run those hilly courses easily again. When my feet glide lightly over the pavement, when a slimmer version of my legs run strong and sure on whatever course I throw at them, when I do not easily grow tired and when I don't give a second thought to how far away I am from a bathroom. I look forward to 50 mile weeks and surpassing my previous weekly and monthly mileage totals. I look forward to putting into practice all the things I have learned about running, health and fitness in the courses I have taken since I've been pregnant. I look forward to a faster marathon and another 50 mile race. I look forward to testing those limits again and pushing them back even further.
Jason tells me not to wish this time away, but I find that difficult at times. Not only am I ready for this little girl to be here so I can see her, touch her, and know her, I am ready to have my runner's body back. And by that, I don't mean how I look, I mean how I feel and what I am able to do.
I remember running on one of my favorite paths at work way back when Jason and I started talking about having a baby. I was going for an afternoon 10 miler and the day was absolutely perfect. I remember feeling strong, lithe, free and full of life - like I could run forever. I also remember thinking to myself, "Enjoy this moment, Jane. Soak it up and live in it right now." I didn't know when or how, but I knew change would come. I knew that moment and many like it would eventually give way to different ones and that it might be a while before I got another moment like that again.
Now that I'm pregnant, I'm glad I did that. I soaked up many moments like that one and I had quite a while before I'd actually have to slow down and allow my body to do something else. But I didn't know that then. All I knew was that moment, running fast and free, running without limitations, loving it and living in it.
I believe those moments will come around again. And I am not ungrateful or unhappy with the moment in which I now find myself. Far from it! I count myself extremely blessed and spend time in awe of all that God has done for me. But just for a while today I allowed myself to feel wistful, to remember and to look forward to when those beloved running moments return to me once again.
Now back to dreaming of Eloise Jane!