Wednesday, June 13, 2012

A Moment for Wistfulness

I'm 32 weeks pregnant today, and my first experience with pregnancy has been a good one so far.  I feel bad if I even think whiny or negative thoughts because I have been immensely blessed, and it is very important to me not to take that for granted.

But today, for a few moments, I was a little wistful.  I was driving home from VBS and a bit of shopping with my mom, and I drove on a road I used to run with my morning running crew.  It is a tough, hilly road and there was a time when I couldn't run the whole thing.  I eventually got to the point where I could and then I got to the point where I could run it quickly in the middle of a route with no trouble at all, as if it were just another piece of flat road.  That always felt so good.  During my drive home I also had a view of the water tower that sits at the top of what we like to call "the dragon."  That hill is even meaner than the road mentioned above and as I looked up at it I sighed just a little.

It feels ungrateful to say it, but I really look forward to when I can run those hilly courses easily again.  When my feet glide lightly over the pavement, when a slimmer version of my legs run strong and sure on whatever course I throw at them, when I do not easily grow tired and when I don't give a second thought to how far away I am from a bathroom.  I look forward to 50 mile weeks and surpassing my previous weekly and monthly mileage totals.  I look forward to putting into practice all the things I have learned about running, health and fitness in the courses I have taken since I've been pregnant.  I look forward to a faster marathon and another 50 mile race.  I look forward to testing those limits again and pushing them back even further.

Jason tells me not to wish this time away, but I find that difficult at times.  Not only am I ready for this little girl to be here so I can see her, touch her, and know her, I am ready to have my runner's body back.  And by that, I don't mean how I look, I mean how I feel and what I am able to do.

I remember running on one of my favorite paths at work way back when Jason and I started talking about having a baby.  I was going for an afternoon 10 miler and the day was absolutely perfect.  I remember feeling strong, lithe, free and full of life - like I could run forever.  I also remember thinking to myself, "Enjoy this moment, Jane. Soak it up and live in it right now."  I didn't know when or how, but I knew change would come.  I knew that moment and many like it would eventually give way to different ones and that it might be a while before I got another moment like that again. 

Now that I'm pregnant, I'm glad I did that.  I soaked up many moments like that one and I had quite a while before I'd actually have to slow down and allow my body to do something else.  But I didn't know that then.  All I knew was that moment, running fast and free, running without limitations, loving it and living in it.

I believe those moments will come around again.  And I am not ungrateful or unhappy with the moment in which I now find myself.  Far from it!  I count myself extremely blessed and spend time in awe of all that God has done for me.  But just for a while today I allowed myself to feel wistful, to remember and to look forward to when those beloved running moments return to me once again.

Now back to dreaming of Eloise Jane!


  1. you will be there before you know it! to encourage you, it hit me the other day that i can bend down again! with no problems! :) it's the little joys in post-partum life... love you and can't wait to hear about eloise jane's arrival!!!

  2. They will come around again! Pregnancy gave me amazing perspective on obesity as well. I know there are a lot of factors with pregnancy, but losing 50 lbs. in a short period of time (after the birth of babies) made me realize what a struggle 50 lbs. can be. With every move I made, I felt those 50 lbs.

  3. It's such a crazy journey, isn't it? It's hard not to miss something that is so much a part of you, and encouraging to look forward to it know it's there waiting for you on the flip side. :) What a great example you are of enjoying the moment!

  4. Thank you for the encouragement girls!! It means a lot!!