Responding in Love

One of my 14 Days of Love actions (see previous post) is a scripture writing activity I am doing daily this month. This is the plan I'm following:

And while I'm only on day 2, I can already feel myself changing a little...being more mindful of what it means to truly love. Not that I think I have it down, lots of work to do there, but it is on my mind and on my heart more than it was before. Maybe that's the simple power of God's word at work. 

My sister texted me tonight about a woman she knows a little who is good friends with our cousin. This lady is a nurse at a high school, and her face is all over the news tonight because she is accused of having sexual relations with a female student. She's married with two sons, and I'm sure things are looking bleak for this whole family right now.

There are many things about this situation I don't understand. I don't understand this temptation and sin because it is not one I face (although, let me be clear, I face many others). I don't understand doing things to hurt one's family because of how fiercely protective I am of my own. And my heart aches for this family and whatever the future may hold for them. I hoped the news wasn't true...maybe she'd angered a student and this accusation was simple retaliation, but according to our cousin, it is true. 

There will be a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, a lot of confusion - I can only imagine the extent of the fallout from this. I know this woman is part of a church, and I wonder what her fellow brothers and sisters will do with this news. Unfortunately, I don't think she will find much sympathy, love, and mercy there, but I'd be thrilled to be wrong, and I pray I am! I have no idea what the state of her heart is, how her friends, family, and church are dealing, or any of the surrounding circumstances, and I'll probably never know.

But I do believe I know what Jesus would do with this news. I do believe I know what His response would be. I think He'd be sad and hurt, but I don't think His love would waver one bit. I think He'd acknowledge her sin as sin, but He'd be waiting with open arms to forgive, heal, strengthen, and help her leave it behind if she wanted to. I believe we see examples of this over and over again in the Bible, and I believe we, as followers of Christ, are to respond in similar fashion. 

I know there must be consequences for breaking the laws she broke, and I agree those should be upheld. But I wonder what would happen if we treated her exactly as Jesus would if He were here in the flesh. 

I'm a little surprised by my own response, knowing how I usually think about such stories (the main reason I don't keep up with the news in the first place). Outrage, judgement, a shake of the head, a "how could she" or two, and I'd leave it at that. But a mere two days reading about love in the Bible, and my heart begins to change... I can see the transformation in myself and I can see it is good. 

I am going to pray for this woman, her family, her friends, and her church. I'm going to pray for the students affected and the school. I believe God is bigger and greater and more powerful than anything that goes on here, and as the great Healer, I think He can mend all that has been broken. I'll probably never know how it all turns out, but I don't really need to. Sometimes I think my heart is too weak and can only face so much (or very little) pain, sadness, heartache and loss before I turn away to stare into the sun and forget, as much as possible, such things exist. Almost like hiding. 

But for now I will pray and ask the God of love to shower it on those involved here who are hurting so much tonight. Join me. 

14 Days of Love

It is February 1st, which begins what I have dubbed for many years now, the Sacred Month of Love. I've always had fun with this month whether it was sending a daily poem to my coworkers or making a box filled with 14 things I love about Jason...it has always been a great excuse to be a little more mushy, romantic, and loving. And don't get me started on the pink and red heart shaped boxes of chocolates and kid Valentine kits I always want to buy. 

This year I've gotten a little ambitious, but I'm going for it. I'm calling it 14 days of love and it has several parts. Daily love for the Lord, daily love for Jason, daily love for others, and daily love for myself. For 14 days (although I'm hoping to turn some of these into habits the last much longer than 14 days).

Daily love for my Lord is one of those habits I hope to cultivate through daily fellowship with my amazing Creator. Deliberate, focused, seeking Him daily.

Daily love for Jason will consist of not only a daily love note of some sort, but daily acts of thoughtfulness and kindness toward this man I love so much. I'm not super creative, but I'll share the fun, G-rated ones, like today's. 

(Yes, I know I'm not artistic and my hand writing is atrocious, but it's the Reese's that count.)

Daily love for others will consist of cards to friends I haven't seen in a while, maybe a few coffees on me for busy mamas, cookies for neighbors, and meals for some new mama friends. I'm also praying that God will lead the way in this one, showing me who needs some love and encouragement, and that He will give me the courage to act on His leading. 

And lastly, daily love for myself. I'm going to focus on a few habits that will make me healthier and help me accomplish some other goals I have. Some of these habits include drinking warm lemon juice water every morning, having a plank and pushup routine to do daily now that I'm not doing as much PiYo, and renewing my determination to consume more fruits and veggies each day. Simply put, I'm going to renew my focus on taking care of me!

So all of that comprises my 14 Days of Love. I can't wait to get started! 

22 Weeks and Definitely Counting

I'm 22 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I'm already impatient with this whole pregnancy thing.  Which is horrible and ungrateful and I'm working on changing my attitude from one of complaining to one of gratefulness and joy.  Is it all just hormones?  I have no idea how much they play into this. Supposedly a lot, but I don't like using hormones as an excuse for bad behavior or bad thinking.

I'm tired of being tired. I wish I could stop fixating on it and just be.  I'm working on that too.  I have no idea if I'm bigger or smaller or just the same as my last pregnancy, I'm not sure how my exercise and running is stacking up, and I'm not sure why I have to fixate on that either. I am slowly (but hopefully surely) letting go of mileage goals and turning them into time goals. I'm trying to focus on time spent exercising instead of reaching a certain amount of miles and being content with what I get. That's hard when my workouts have always been mileage driven. Watching my weekly totals dwindle (even for a really good reason) is not always easy.

I don't like gaining weight. I wish I could do it all gracefully, but I hate it.  Friends and family tell me I'm small and cute, but it is so hard to hear what they say and believe it.  When I look in the mirror I do NOT see small and cute. I see a tired old chubby lady. An ungrateful one, at that (which certainly doesn't add beauty to the current situation).

So. Deep breath.  I'm changing my mind about all of this. Starting now. Remember that song by Sister Hazel, "If you wanna be somebody else, change your mind.  oooooo yeeeeaaaah..."  That's what I'm doing and I know I can count on my amazing God to help me. He has given me so much and I don't want to be a sour old pregnant lady. I want to be a joyful old pregnant lady who looks forward to another precious little one. And I do. When I start to really think about what I'm getting out of all of this, it really is quite amazing and quite worth it. And when I take my eyes off myself and look around, I see women wanting to be pregnant who can't. I see women having much harder pregnancies than I can imagine. And I am reminded to be grateful to be healthy and happy and having another little one to add to our family.

I've started another 1000 Gifts list to help me focus on my blessings. I want spend more time in prayer about the things that are bothering me than whining about them to Jason or my mom and sister. They are great listeners and supporters, but lack the power to help the situation like God can. I saw something on Facebook the other day that read, "Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" and I thought, "Nope. Not at all."

Other than the usual pregnancy fun, I'm doing great. And Eloise is so much fun and such a hoot.  I love being her mama. There are, of course, hard parenting days where I wonder if I'm doing any good at all, but then I see the little proofs that a difference is being made. And it is quite wonderful.  As is pregnancy if I look for it.

Delight, Trust, and Pay Attention

A few days ago I caught sight of the 30/30 Challenge by Joyce Meyer.  I have never read any of her books or participated in her devotionals, but my heart was immediately drawn to the challenge to study my Bible for 30 minutes a day for 30 days and see what God would tell me.

The reason I wanted to start this study was because I was feeling like a bad friend.  It is so easy for me to forget the world around me, to lose focus on people in my life, and to focus only on what is immediately before me (usually Eloise and running).  I am not sure if that is my introverted-ness, laziness, or just part of being a mom, but it isn't good.  It is selfish and self-centered.  Relationships need to be nurtured.  Friendships require attention.  Same with my relationship with my Lord.  And I knew I was falling short.

I started my study in Proverbs because I remembered a verse in there about being a friend.  I used Jason's Bible because mine was in the car.  I found an unused journal and began my study, believing I knew what God would show me and that it would be related to what was currently on my mind.

Well, I'm on day 3 now, and while the Lord did get around to addressing my weakness, He did not start there.  He started by giving me a word each time I opened my Bible.  The first word was, "delight."  My study in Proverbs 1 and 2 led me to Psalms 1:16 - "his delight is in the law of the Lord and on his law he meditates day and night."  Proverbs 2 said I should look for his word as I would for silver and hidden treasure.  I should seek him with all of my heart and delight in him and in his word. I should, quite possibly, delight in him MORE than my training, my workout routine, my fitness or a race PR...

In my next study God told me to trust.  And that was the word he gave me.  Trust. Proverbs 3:4-5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.  Verses 23-26 of that chapter spoke to me also, and to the fears I have had for a long time.  "Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble.  When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.  Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence." I am to trust in my Lord because he is my confidence.  I never realized just how powerful a request that would be until I had Eloise.

And today my words were to, "Pay Attention."  It was a loving rebuke and it dealt with the feelings I had when I started the study.  In Proverbs 4 it says, "Pay attention and gain understanding... pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words... guard your heart..."  These phrases jabbed me in the ribs a little and so did the study in Jason's Bible that corresponded with that chapter.  It said we should live a "thoughtful life."  We should pay attention to our spiritual health, our relationships, our passion for the Lord.  These things require focus and attention, and I knew it was this I lacked.  I knew it when I started the study.

It is so easy to look at myself sometimes and say, "Well, that's just the way I am."  I'm an introvert.  I'm not crazy about people because they complicate my life.  It's okay not to have a lot of friends.  They probably don't need me, they have plenty of friends already.  I don't have the right words to say to help them... And blah blah blah, the list of excuses and reasons not to try goes on and on, convincing me I'm just fine the way I am.  Words like "selfish" and "self-centered" aren't welcomed into my descriptions because they aren't desirable or acceptable when claiming to follow Christ.

I'm not sure why it took a 30/30 challenge to get my attention, but I am thankful I started this and I don't intend to conclude it in 30 days.  I intend to make it a habit.  I intend to yearn for it like I do for a good run, for a quiet moment, for sleep, for food.  I intend to fill up on God's word and to put spiritual health above all other forms of it.  In several places in Proverbs, I have read how God's wisdom is "health to the body."  It makes me smile.  It is what I have been seeking, only I haven't been looking in all the right areas.

Join me!  Give this a shot.  I'm only on day 3 and I have already been so blessed!

Overcomer

Back in November I went to a Toby Mac concert with my sister and my niece.  I'm not really a concert person, but when I saw who all would be performing, I was pumped.  I love Toby Mac and I LOVE Mandisa. Before the concert I only knew a few of her songs and that she was on American Idol at some point.  Now I follow her on Facebook and I am regularly encouraged by what she has to say and by who she is.

My favorite favorite favorite song of hers was/is Overcomer and I listened to it often while training for and running the 50 miler in November.  God has been so good to me (why, I'm not sure) and I have not had to really overcome much in my 34 years of life so far.  But as many of you running moms know, getting back into running after having a child is not easy. I enjoyed the challenge, but it was tough and I wondered (and still do) if I'd ever be the runner I was before having Eloise.  Not that I was amazing or anything, but I'd worked hard to get where I was, and after pregnancy, recovery and motherhood... I just wasn't sure how in the world I'd get back there.  I still wonder.

So I approached the 50 miler never really believing I was trained, never being quite sure I could do it, doubting and telling myself untruths like, "You just aren't that kind of runner anymore, Jane."  But I did it.  And I didn't do half bad!

Then a month later came the Rocket City Marathon.  I signed up to run this race with my friend, Shannon, who was aiming for a 4:15.  Well... I was not recovered and Shannon had trained for a much faster marathon than what she'd first predicted.  But I wanted to be true to my word so on race day, I showed up ready to run with my friend.  At mile 16 she left me, as I told her she must if I couldn't keep up.  And then I had 10 lonely miles of tired legs and that little voice telling me, "You haven't trained for this.  You shouldn't be doing it.  You aren't this kind of runner anymore.  You are slow."  Etc. Etc. Etc.

So I replaced that little voice with the words of Mandisa's song, Overcomer.

"The same man, the Great I AM, the One who overcame death - He's living inside of you.  So just hold tight, fix your eyes on the one who holds your life. There's nothing He can't do..."

"Don't quit, don't give in, you're an overcomer.  Don't quit don't give in, you're an overcomer."  

"You're an overcomer.  Stay in the fight till the final round.  You're not going under..."

Sometimes I shake my head and think, "God doesn't care about your silly marathon time.  He's got starving, abused children to take care of!"  But His word tells me that He does and to bring it all to Him.  So I quieted all the doubt with this wonderful song and I finished that marathon strong.  It wasn't an impressive time and it wasn't a personal record, but because I knew how I felt out there and what I'd overcome, I was very happy with it.  And grateful.

That song was my theme for those months of training and racing and doubting and striving.  And any time those voices show up again, I play that song in my head or in my ears.  Being an overcomer isn't always about running, but because I am a runner I have seen that I can overcome.  I can overcome physical discomfort and distress, I can overcome the weather, I can overcome the desire to quit, I can overcome weariness.  So when those voices tell me other things like, "You aren't a very good friend.  You probably shouldn't have another child because you are too selfish.  You are so uninteresting, what could you possibly have to say?  You aren't devoted enough.  Go ahead and have another brownie. You are too tired today...."  I remind myself that I am an overcomer, with the Spirit of the One who overcame the world living in me.   And there's NOTHING He can't do!

I don't know Mandisa personally, but I love that girl.  Here's her song if you haven't heard it.  I guarantee you'll feel like conquering something if you give it a listen (or dancing or both).  Even if that something is just the dishes or the laundry or forgiving someone or being patient in traffic.  You're an overcomer too.

New Phases in Running and Raising

It is a good thing I decided not to train for the Kentucky Derby Marathon after all because Eloise has entered a new phase and this one is tough on her old mama!  She has reverted back to getting up once a night, and believe me, if you have a list of solutions in your head I should try, I have tried them.  Once in a while she will sleep all the way through the night but there is no rhyme or reason for this.  She wakes up crying and I have waited 20, 30, 60 minutes before getting her, all to no avail.  I've quit letting her cry because it doesn't work and it feels wrong to me.  So now I get up and give her a bottle (because she knows where I sit it and she looks for it) and within an hour she usually goes back to sleep...

Which brings us to the next new thing in this phase.  When I lay her down she wakes up!  Usually just twice, but the other day for her morning nap we did it 4 times!  I finally threw in the towel and picked up my running watch and said, "Baby girl, it is time to run!"  And run we did.  She fell asleep in the stroller and I had my longest jogging stroller run to date!  We got in 7 miles on the most gorgeous spring day, and she got a somewhat more decent nap.  In other jogging stroller news, I've dropped about 30 seconds per mile from my pace with that thing, which feels like a major accomplishment.  I have also discovered that I love taking her along. My pace may be slower, but it is a great workout.  I haven't run with music while pushing her and that makes for a peaceful jog with only the bird song and Eloise's noises to accompany me.  Pure bliss.

What she did for most of 7 miles.

A post run smile.

So Eloise and sleep are sketchy these days and I'm relieved that marathon training is not part of this equation.  Some evenings I feel myself losing patience with her wakefulness and I don't like that about myself at all.  I think I succeed in hiding it from her, but I also believe babies can sense such things.  I don't want to lose patience with my daughter, so I've immediately begun praying about and working on this.  With marathon training no longer in the mix, I don't stress about the next day's run if we are up 1-2 hours in the night.  I know I'll get in some miles and they will be what they will be.  I'm thinking that since the summer is upon us, I may try some short, fast workouts that will help with my 5k and 10k pace.  I'll hold a 10 mile base and when the summer draws to a close, I'll begin planning my next move.  By then Eloise will surely have started a new phase in her sleeping habits.

I find that I can survive pretty well on 4-5 hours of sleep.  I usually get a 2 hour stretch and a 4-5 hour stretch and so the next morning I shake it off, drink some coffee and try to fuel my tired body with foods that will rejuvenate and not drag me down.  I keep busy so I usually don't notice I'm tired until the late afternoon.  I've managed to get in 40 miles this week and that was with 2 days off, so I'm content.  I prefer to only take one day off per week, especially when my husband goes a little crazy with his Easter candy purchases.  

Anyway, with all new phases in baby raising, this one will come to a close and probably quickly.  My growing girl is crawling everywhere, pulling up on everything and enjoying getting her toes free of her footie pajamas on warm days.  I've planted some herbs and our raised garden is almost ready for my broccoli, tomatoes, peppers and squash. I am more thrilled with this than I can say!  It will probably get its very own post soon.  For now, spring is upon us and it is lovely here in North Alabama.  So despite this new phase of questionable sleeping habits, we are doing just fine.  And finally, Eloise Jane is 8 months old!

Yes, Eloise knows she's awesome and yes, we are Star Wars nerds around here.

Fear and Trembling

I cried the night of the election.  I had gone to bed before the results were in so when Eloise woke up to eat I pulled them up on my phone.  Obama had surpassed the 270 necessary votes to win the presidency and as I rocked my baby girl back to sleep, I cried.  I was shocked and so very disappointed and I asked God why, why, why.  When I crawled back into bed I woke Jason up and told him I was afraid.  I took his arm, pulled him close and cried some more. 

I was afraid for our country, afraid for our safety, afraid for my baby girl.  I desperately wanted Mitt Romney to win.  Not only do I believe he is a good and moral man, I believed he would steer our country in a better direction (or many better directions I should say).  I hoped he would protect us more solidly against other nations seeking to do us harm.  I believed he would protect the freedoms I have enjoyed in my life and those I hoped would belong to my baby girl.  And I really believed our country would not vote for another term with Obama.  There was no way after the 4 years we've had that anyone would think our country could withstand another 4 years.  And now that we've in fact voted him in... it causes me to be afraid.

I know I'm not supposed to worry.  I know God has written again and again in His word that I am not to fear.  I know He is with me and I hope He is still with this country I love.  The morning after the election I was surprisingly encouraged by all the posts on Facebook.  There were many uplifting scriptures posted and even though there was disappointment behind every word, there was still hope. I'm trying not to be afraid. I know my faith is weak if I have let fear and worry permeate my soul to such a degree and I plan to renew my love of God's word, rev up my prayer time, and build my faith to greater heights than it has ever been.  And I plan to raise Eloise to love the Lord and to hopefully have a faith much stronger than that of her mother's. No matter what happens in this life, if her faith is intact, she will be okay - much more than okay, actually.

While I believe in God's sovereignty and I believe He can rescue this nation, I still do not think America made a wise choice.  I think Americans have buried their heads in the sand, gotten lazy, and believed what they have seen and heard without asking enough (or the right) questions.  Instead of working for it, taking care of each other and taking responsibility for bad decisions, we are willing to throw up our hands and let the government do it all for us.  We want to foolishly believe other countries will leave us alone if we leave them alone and that we need to just accept everyone and they will in turn accept us.  I'm not sure how much worse it has to get for us to open our eyes but I pray our country can withstand it. 

Freedom is a beautiful word, a beautiful thing.  Each day I have it, each day I hold my baby girl in my arms and coax a smile from that sweet face, I bask in it.  I'm trying to let faith, hope and love chase away the fear and trembling in my soul.  I'm trying not to worry about tomorrow.  I'm trying not to overly treasure the things of this world - even my freedom.  I'm thankful for every blessed day I have been given, every sweet moment with Eloise and Jason, every lovely mile run on a beautiful fall day.  I'm thankful to know my Lord and Savior and to be able to call on Him when my heart is heavy.  And I'm still praying for this land I love, that it may always be the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Singing to Eloise

Singing to Eloise has become so much more than simply singing my baby girl to sleep.  When I first started singing to her I could hardly finish a song without getting choked up by the words and the love I felt for this new little person who now belonged to me.  Gratefulness would well up inside, overwhelming me and I would pause, swallow, and whisper the words until my voice returned.  As time passed, however, I got to where I could finish most of the songs, although I still get choked up from time to time even now.

When I ran out of songs I could remember in my head, I asked Mom if she had any old hymnals.  She had two and she brought them to me.  I had so much fun looking through them and singing bits and pieces of several old favorites to Eloise.  I was so excited to remember them all, I could hardly settle on one before I was drawn to another old favorite and then another and another.  Not only were the words of these precious songs a balm for my tired and sometimes worried mind, turning the event of rocking Eloise to sleep into a time of devotion, but they brought so many sweet memories to the surface as well.

One minute I would be sitting in my home church, Jenks Avenue Church of Christ in Panama City, FL, the place that will always be dearest to my heart as it was the place I first REALLY believed and wanted to spend my life following Christ.  I have so many dear people and sweet memories of that place and so many songs to remind me of it.

The next moment I am at Camp Wiregrass in Enterprise, AL.  I was a camper and then a counselor from the 2nd grade through my college years and the songs I sing to Eloise take me to the chapel there surrounded by woods, sitting shoulder to shoulder on a hot summer morning with some of the best people in this world.

Another moment I am at the Auburn Christian Student Center sitting among 200 or so of my college peers and fellow Christians, singing at the top of our lungs to the Lord we loved.  The two years I spent there were two of my all time favorite and as I sing the songs of that time, I smile down at my baby girl hoping the same wonderful college experience for her.

I even spend a few minutes in China where, to combat loneliness and culture shock I would sit in the floor of my apartment, open my "borrowed" devotional book from the Auburn Christian Student Center, and sing and sing and sing until my soul felt closer to home even as I was so far away. When my Chinese students asked me to sing, those were the songs I chose.

The words to these sweet songs make me smile because many of them are very old fashioned, but that just makes them all the more dear.  Like sitting and talking with my grandfather who loved old poetry, they make me feel safe, loved, and watched over.  "And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own..."

"Love so amazing, so divine demands my soul, my life, my all."

"Who knows your disappointments?  Who hears each time you cry?  Who understands your heartache? Who dries the tears from your eyes? Do you know my Jesus?  Do you know my friend?  Have you heard He loves you and that He will abide 'till the end?"

"How sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy (s)he gives, but greater still that calm assurance, this child can face uncertain days because He lives.  Because He lives I can face tomorrow, because He lives all fear is gone, because I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives." 

"Softly and tenderly, Jesus is calling."

"Have we trials and temptations?  Is there trouble anywhere?  We should never be discouraged, take it to the Lord in prayer. Can we find a friend so faithful, who will all our sorrows share?  Jesus knows our every weakness:  Take it to the Lord in prayer."

"Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come, t'was grace that brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home."

"Never let me wander from thee, never leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."

"My God and I go in the field together, we walk and talk as good friends should and do; we clasp our hands, our voices ring with laughter, my God and I walk through the meadow's hue..."

"Love one another for love is of God, he who loves is born of God and knows God, he who does not love does not know God, for God is Love. God is Love."

And the list goes on and on and on as the words speak to my soul, warm my heart and become a prayer for the little girl in my arms.  I hope she learns some of these older songs along with the the new.  I hope she has so many wonderful memories with friends who love God as much as she hopefully will.  I hope she chooses to follow Him all of her life, and I hope I will teach her in the way God would have me.  I hope she sees how much I love Him and try to be like Christ in all I do.  I fail all the time, but I won't stop trying all the same.  As I sing I pray for my baby girl, this land in which she will grow, her safety.  I say thank you again and again and again because I want my God to KNOW, really know how much I love this gift He has given me. 

I love singing to Eloise.  I don't have the best voice and I can't reach the high notes and I mix up the first and second verses of many of the songs, and I'm sure I sing off key as well.  But sing on I shall because singing to Eloise is really so much more than simply singing to Eloise.

The Spirit-filled Run

Both my small group and my Sunday morning class have been studying Romans.  This is one of my favorite books, full of many things I love to hear and many things I'm still trying to understand, so I always enjoy hanging out there.  One Sunday morning in class I had my Bible open to the chapter in Romans we were studying and as I glanced down I noticed a little devo on the next page.  It talked about how we don't often know what we should say or how to say what we should say when talking to God.  We have questions and thank yous and requests and we try to keep our thoughts neatly organized and devoted to the act of prayer but... it doesn't always work.

But then the writer reminded the reader that we don't always have to have our prayers in a nice, neat, orderly package for God.  We have this wonderful Holy Spirit that He left us with, that will intercede for us (Romans 8:26-27).  I never really understood that.  I mean I sort of grasped it but, I wasn't sure what the Spirit was or would say that I wasn't or couldn't say.

After my run the other night, however, I think I caught a glimpse of what it means for the Holy Spirit to talk to God for me, to tell Him what I'm trying to say.  I had just finished running, something I feel even more grateful for during these ever-changing days of pregnancy, and I was walking slowly, cooling down.  I felt triumphant to have started and finished my run, I felt good and refreshed.  I was thrilled to be pregnant with a little one, thrilled to be married to such a wonderful man who would be such a great dad too.  I was enjoying the warmer temperatures immensely, feeling more alive with the coming of spring.  As I began to tell God all these things and just how grateful I was and that I knew I was undeserving, which made me even more grateful, I looked up (which sort of makes sense to me when praying) and saw a sky glittering with stars.  My thoughts and prayers were interrupted by the beauty above and then I was grateful for that too!  Undeserving and thankful and happy and excited and hopeful and overwhelmed trying to get my point across to my amazing Creator Who would take time to listen to me...

And I just couldn't.  I didn't have enough words to cover the feelings.  Then I remembered Romans and what I had read about the Spirit.  So smiled and admired the stars again and decided that the point had been made.  God knew and understood, and what I couldn't say had been said for me as my heart would say it. It could all be jumbled up into this mass of undeserving overwhelmed happiness and joy, and God would know what I meant.

Now, I'm not a Bible scholar.  So if that is not what Paul meant when he wrote about the Spirit, then I'll be right back at square one of not really getting it, but knowing and believing the Spirit is in me, doing Its (His?) thing.  But if the Spirit can handle my weakness and groanings... I have a feeling all those other things can be communicated as well.  So I'll just add that to my jumbled up mass of gratefulness too.